Leadership Human-Style

How to Help People Give You the Info You Need

• Lisa Mitchell • Season 1 • Episode 151

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Ever felt stuck in the communication void?  Waiting or hoping for information from someone, feeling unclear and frustrated?     This episode is for you.

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In this episode of Leadership Human-Style, discover:

  • The importance of proactive communication
  • Why ignoring your frustration isn’t helpful
  • Key tips to help people give you the info you really need 

Resources

  • Looking for the Conversations That Matter Planner I mention on the show?  Send me an email request and I’ll get it to you: Lisa@greenappleconsulting.ca 

Work with me!

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Lisa Mitchell (00:01)
Hi there. You know, communication is a tricky thing. Have you ever felt like you're standing on a dock and you've got the mooring rope in your hand, you're by the little ring things that you're supposed to tie the boat onto, and yet the boat is somewhere off, off far in the horizon and you know, it's carrying this important information and cargo that you need, but you have no idea when it's actually gonna come in and arrive at the dock. No one's telling you, you're not asking.

And so you stand there rope in hand, feeling kind of helpless. This metaphorical situation happens in organizations a lot from what I can see. I call it the communication void. And you know, it can feel easier just to stand on the dock. Well, nobody's telling me that I shouldn't. And yet when we tune in to how it's making us feel when the boat's really far, we don't know what's going on.

will often figure out that, geez, we're feeling pretty frustrated and actually maybe a little bit of resentment and don't kid yourself. It's probably showing up in terms of your productivity, your motivation. You know, you're probably not really at your best when you're feeling like this, like something's not being shared with you. So I wanted to talk a little bit today about this communication void and how when

we realize that we actually have agency and we have power in a relationship, even if it's with somebody who's supposedly higher than us, or at least higher on a hierarchy, it really helps us communicate better and help them communicate better with us. So let me give you an example. When I was 17 years old, I was struggling with a lot of...

pretty serious health problems, to be honest with you, even at that young age. And I remember, you know, I'd had a new doctor. She was fairly newly graduated when I was about 15. So a couple of years earlier and she's still my doctor, by the way, she's amazing. And she used to, you know, be very, I guess, sort of like on the go, right? So she'd come into the room. I'd have all sorts of things that, you know, I wanted to talk with her about follow-ups on tests and

you know, questions and so on. And I always felt a bit rushed because she would stand while she was talking to me and with her clipboard, because I knew she had to run to the next, you know, patient, busy lady, busy practice. Great. And I almost always though, by the end of the session, when she'd take off, I'd feel like, oh, I didn't get what I needed. I didn't get all the information. She was like that metaphorical boat right now. She's gone off and I'm like, oh, oh, what do I do? Do I make another appointment? You know, it's a bit frustrating.

So I remember I was concerned about this. So the next appointment that I had, I brought my trusty notepad. So for those of you that know me, you know I take a lot of notes and I also use them to organize my thoughts. And I actually think that the way of the pen has gotten away from us. And I see this with a lot of my clients. I really encourage you to pick up that pen again because it's a powerful tool. Here's why.

So again, Dr. Wong, she's amazing. But I remember her coming into the room now and I had made a list of my questions, the things that I really didn't want to leave without getting answered. And at the top I'd written the date and I'd written her name. And she came in and as usual, she's standing, you know, like smiling and everything, but she's got her clipboard and she's clearly a very busy lady and I'm starting to feel the angst, right? I'm feeling rushed.

So I don't know where I got the fortitude at 17 years old to do this, but I was clearly, I was not feeling well and I was really determined. Determination has always been my friend. And I said to her, would you mind sitting down with me because I've got quite a few questions I need to get answered and I don't want to feel rushed.

I, anyway, I don't know. I could see my adult self saying that at the time, those 17, that was pretty good because I was, I was a bit timid back then. But somehow I found this force of character and she did, she sat down and took a deep breath and, and it was powerful because I now felt like I can go through my list and I wrote my answers. So on top of that, so not only am I getting what I need, but I realize now in retrospect that I was teaching her

what I needed and how to deliver it to me because she slowed down into this day. Many decades later, she won't go into specifics. She will still say to me, Lisa, did we get through all your questions? And she always sits down. She never stands hovering. So, so I helped influence her behavior and her way of interacting with me as her patient in a way that works for both of us even today. So let's go back to

the workplace, right? So I just got off a session with a coaching client and she's feeling pretty frustrated because she had put her hand up to take on some more responsibility at work. And initially this was welcomed. yes, this is great. We're not quite sure of the timing and so on. And she's been feeling kind of frustrated because she's...

now not hurt anything for a while. And she's kind of sitting over here on the dock going, okay, when's the boat coming in? When, when are they going to tell me what's, what's happening next? Really, really, disheartening. And, at first she was thinking, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna sit here and relax and I'm not going to worry about if the boat's arriving or not. I'll just enjoy the dock. It wasn't working though, because deep down she, she really wanted this information and she,

She was having trouble letting go. So, you know, we talked through, here are some steps that you can do. So I wanted to share these with you. When you are feeling frustrated and needing information, whether it's from your leader, peers, or people on your own team, there's steps that we can take before we have a conversation, during the conversation, and then after.

So this is what I wanted to outline. Some of these you may already know. Feel free to listen for what might be sort of a new nugget of truth that could be helpful. So I always say if it's important, prepare for it. Even if you just have a couple minutes before a meeting, jot down, like, what is your intention for the meeting? What are the key messages, the key outcomes that you want to achieve? And what are your questions?

Get them down, write it all out. Sure, you can type it. I encourage you to write it if you have the time and the inclination because it's a little more powerful in terms of the brain connection. It helps us kind of internalize and clarify our thoughts. By the way, I have a great tool called the Conversations That Matter Planner. So if you're interested, feel free to reach out and I'd be happy to send it to you, okay? You can email me or message me. Now, also before when you're doing this planning,

is remember that the people you have in mind that you need to communicate with, they're humans too, okay? Because it's easy when we're feeling frustrated or ignored or deferred, that it's easy to get sort of into that judge your mode and sort of assume that there are intentions that aren't necessarily honorable. Almost everybody, like literally 99 % of us, get up in the morning with the best of intentions.

and meaning to go out and just do our best. So let's assume that that's the case here. Another thing you can do too in this preparation phase, which is really important is if it's a really feels like a higher stakes conversation and it it's getting into how you're feeling about a situation and that you're needing something from them and you really need them to to listen, you want to be heard, then email ahead to you can email and say, Hey, at our next meeting, hoping we can meet up in person or

or have a virtual coffee. And I really want to avoid rescheduling if we can because there's something very important that I'd like to be able to talk with you about and I need your support and your full attention. Nothing bad, nothing shattering, not the end of the world. And I'm really looking for your help.

during the meeting. remember me and my doctor having that list of your intentions, your messages, your questions, have the date, the visual of it. Okay. I'm holding it up here, sends a message to the person you're talking to that you've got some important things that you do have an agenda that you are trying to make sure that you don't miss getting all your questions answered, that you don't miss, you know, articulating what you think is important to get across.

So right there, kind of signals, this is, this is important. Can you lean in and meet me halfway? It's subtle, it's unconscious and it's there. Okay. So have your list and remember that it helps you and it helps them just like my 17 year old self and my doctor. Okay. After the meeting. sorry. Before I get there, even during, so make sure that

Here's the thing, often with clients I see if they get a response to something, so they've gotten brave enough to sort of ask for information or say how they're feeling about something, go beyond face value. Don't just take the first response as is because do a check in with yourself. Am I clearer? Do I still have what I need? And if not, give yourself a moment, take a sip of water, do what you've got to do just to, nope, I have a follow on question coming, okay? And say it, right?

Don't just take the first thing. People aren't trying to be opaque or make things hard for you, but sometimes they do because they're not reading our minds exactly around what we need. So ask the follow on questions, right? Follow the trail so that you can get your stuff written down, get your full answers, right? And feel clear. Okay, so after.

Again, what I see with people day in, day out, and this used to be me as well, is people will email, they email to death. Okay. And sending an email, I remember somebody saying to me, I don't know where I got this, but it's so true. It's kind of like somebody just threw a ball onto your desk and now it's your ball. It's their sense of urgency and importance. And, and you don't

I don't know. You don't really want that because you've got your own set of urgent and important items. So email can really feel urgent when it's not right. So the other thing is, is that when you volley that email or that ball onto somebody, it's easy for them just to passively ignore it. I didn't get to it. I'm so busy. I've got a really busy inbox or to just volley back. I don't have that information yet. But when we actually pick up the phone or request an in-person meeting,

whether it's on Teams or Zoom or actually in person, it goes a lot further to underscoring the importance of the conversation, right? Because often when we're looking for information, we're not just looking for the information, we're looking for reassurance, we're looking for connection, we're looking for trust building with somebody. It goes beyond the nuts and bolts of the conversation.

So have that conversation and then afterwards, instead of sending the email at the beginning with all of the detail and then, you know, being disappointed if you don't get everything back, after you can put everything in writing, hey, I just want to confirm my understanding of our conversation and where we landed and, you know, the dates for follow up that we've both committed to as a case may be, right? So you can certainly put a bow on it that way. I would

challenge you to not necessarily start with that, right? Everybody's busy. We've all got too many emails. Let's be human style here and have an actual conversation that will start getting rid of that communication void. So there you have it. My little tips for getting the information you need when you feel like you're stuck on a dock somewhere with no boat. All right. Thanks so much for listening. Have a great rest of the day.


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Lisa Mitchell

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